Ms Misterman

Illustrations by Büke Schwarz

On The Media Jungle

Working, as I sometimes do, in what people rightfully refer to as the media jungle, networking is every Tarzan's and Jane's best chance of survival. It is a necessary yet common tool that all survivors know how to use. That is all, but me.

As I am humanly prone to other people's validation, I admit this circumstance with great dislike. This is not to say that my ego is hungry as a hunter. No. Despite occasional appearances, this Jane's confidence is not obese. She is not shy either. I simply do not know how to work those flints. The consequence: no sparks.

Nonetheless, I am still here. I am still in the jungle and therefore quite suitable to deal with the subject in a dilettante manner. I have seen a number of people fall. People unable to climb the tree or to swing from one liana to the other. Hence, I feel obliged to share my observations with those eager to paint themselves a well-functioning, unnaturally pleasant mask to blend in with the natives.

So, here is a part-time survivor's advice on living in the jungle:

#1: Don't be fooled by the rare birds who get by with little jokes and a cheeky smile. As inviting it may be to avoid working, rough attempts to imitate the twittering are likely to end in jungled silence.

#2: In case you absolutely cannot score with good old hard work, be sure to run down everyone around you. Do not worry, there is always something to decry. And if not, be creative.

#3: All you Tarzans who just entered the thicket, start serving the God of Chauvinism now! I am aware that many of you happen to be in the unfortunate position of respecting women, but the sole act of hunting will not suffice to prove your manhood.

#4: You, Jane, have two promising options to survive. You can either assimilate or behave. You can act like a man or use your feminine charms. Provided you opt for number two, know that the traditional jungle fashion does not go well with time.

#5: Never ever go to your hammock, if all the others are still dancing around the fire. Not even when you are close to exhaustion. This is where the real work begins. If possible, nap during the day.

#6: Don't fall for the open-hearted social intercourse high in the trees. It is all mandatory. Thus, be personal, but never private.

#7: And most importantly, trust the leader. His word is law. If big kahuna passes you his pipe, smoke it. If he asks you tell on your friends, do it. Your uncertified moral code has no business in the jungle.