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| Illustration by Büke Schwarz |
On Being Irresponsible
It's been a day of
irresponsible decisions. Decisions that deride my goals. I know my
law. And yet I thought I could afford to forget. Today, I have been
my defiance's pet. I ignored the tools and parenthesized my rules.
Again and again, I
revolt against my own benefit, against what's best. To prove what?
That I can? That objectives are no ban? Every time, I compete against
me, I lose. That is, one part, the other wins. It is the moment
versus the future.
I want balance between
both, but the scale feels broken. Today, the moment weighs a ton. It
seems I nailed its weighing pan to the ground, while my future
dangles pettily in the air. And I doubt it's a pleasant view up
there.
Of course, I'm being
dramatic. But perhaps, that's not so bad. Perhaps, I exaggerate to
see. I exaggerate to find the tools and to underline the rules. I use it. I use it
to recall my decisions' infinite tie. It's drama! Perhaps, it's drama
that bends my scale back into shape.
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